Review - Clash of the Titans

(I'm reviewing the film, not the actual story of Perseus, so don't mind data being fucked up along the way.)

First of all, let's set the record straight: "clash" isn't "furia", but it's fucking badass to name it like that in Spanish.

Ok, the court is in session (whatever that means).

There are so many things to talk about when regarding "Clash of the Titans" that I don't even know where to begin.

Actually, I do.

IT'S GROUNDBREAKINGLY BALL-STOMPINGLY MIND-BLOWINGLY CHEST-BURSTINGLY SHIT-SPLASHINGLY AWESOME.

Now I really don't know where to go on writing shit.

Ammh, let's continue with the first scenes of the movie: Perseus is found inside a sweet coffin on top of her fine-ass looking dead momma by an emaciated dude (that's the elegant way of saying "thin as fuck") who takes him as a son. Soon we find out that good 'ol Slim Shady is banging this incredibly hot chick who's like 20 years younger and in the meantime he keeps saying to Perseus to get over with his raging boners and ass itchyness, be a man, grow a fucking beard, you're 10 years old, get over your middle-puberty crisis.

Greeks were the ultimate ass-whacking sternum-crackers at the time, mind you.

Then we leap 12 years forward, where we don't actually see Perseus chasing great white sharks breast-stroking and beating them to a pulp with his dick or fighting huge psycho sperm whales by busting their foreheads with his nipples, but you can pretty much have an idea of what a badass motherfucking seaman he was.

That alone made him survive an ignited shit-bomb Hades threw at his boat, because he's just that much of a dick to begin with.

After a pathetic wuss scream Perseus finally grew two bears for nuts and declared war to Hades. Now just to keep you guys on top of the action, by that time Perseus didn't know he was a demigod, so declaring war to the God and Supreme Lord of the Underworld was quite cool.

AND FUCKING INSANE.

Next thing we know is that Perseus is held captive of the dickwads hailing from Argos. These were the jerks who pissed off the gods in the first place. Neverminding that, Andromeda makes a move and gives Perseus some wine, which he accepts just to have his teeth five-across-the-face'd. The argolians were well-known because of their hospitality.

So our hero gets locked up and this chick shows up. Since he didn't have cable and had no friends because he lived in a floating turd, he obviously had no access to HBO, Cinemax and I·Sat, which means he practically knew shit about cock-pussy action, so he didn't nail the bitch on the spot. She mindfucks him into fighting the kraken and Hades, quite an easy feat for a bitchy pushover like herself. Perseus gets all worked up and slams the prision door with his left nut, packs a brave group of assholes led by Le Chiffre and sets on a journey to meet the Three Sisters of Fuck, which if it hadn't been because they were ugly as fucking a pillow made of razors and barbwire it would have been really great.

While travelling they come across this mutant roadkill burped by Hades after a burrito blitz against Ares. It fucks up some of the douchebags escorting Perseus (as if he needed to be escorted to begin with) and when Le Chiffre kienzans one of the bastard's arms off it runs off like the little shit he is.

Perseus' not taking shit from nobody, so he goes after him.

Since Hades enjoys his sundays having afternoon delights with Alien Queen, the hellish mongrel's blood is mystically acid and besides corroding things it appears to spawn huge-ass scorpions from underground. After getting their shit ruined, the brave -and rather retarded- warriors are rescued from even greater familiars by some lepers rejected by the NBA. These d00ds pack up some magic and Scottie Pippen patches up Perseus' arm by torching a marshmallow on it. Life ain't easy on the desert. Now we know scorpions were commanded by these lepers. That alone tells you you shouldn't make fun of them at school, they may be the ones to stop a scorpion-zord from getting your colon wrecked.

The journey continues.

Once they get to the Sisters, these groin-busters start bitchin' around and by the time they're about to grab some asshole's wang Perseus feels he had enough of it and jacks their eye saying "go fist yourselves". The bitches realize Perseus is tha' shit and shizzle up amongst themselves giving the half-holy hero an answer: "fuck up the Medusa and you'll pwn any-fucking-body with that cap". Perseus thanks them by handing over the previously snatched eye, not without having taken a leak on it beforehand. That'll show 'em.

Zeus shows up before Perseus and tries to coerces him into partying in Olympus and shit. He's just like "hey, it sound's kinda nice, but why don't you go rape a rock or something that's actually useful?" Zeus, being the badass he is, just winks at himself just because he can and gives Perseus a gold coin to get through the Styx and get a nice burning hell-forged dick to sit on.

The Band of Cockers are now heading straight to the Underworld.

They get to the Styx, the leper frog-flips the coin across the water, fucks Caron's teeth up and gets a ride for seven across the river. How cool is to have a butane-fired-up scepter?

On the quest to fuck the Medusa up, some of the good-for-nothing waterboys gets their innards owned from afar by the monster's arrows and some of them die of eternal hard-on by gazing at the sneaky-snakey bitch. If you think it through, it's a brutally cool way to die.

By this time Perseus and the leper were a blow job away to be husband and wife, so they team-up to end this shitty game once and for all. The Medusa seizes Scottie Pippen and he self-destructs Cyrax-style. Having Medusa perplexed by the explosions, fireworks and colour papers flying around, Perseus aims for the back of the neck and karate-chops the hedious beast's head off.

Perseus: "Now that the über weapon is at hand, we better gear up again and go face the krak-HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU CROC-TURD SHITFACE? YOU JUST CRACKED A HOLE THROUGH MY BITCH'S STOMACH. Oh you are soooo in for a beating right now..." It just so happens that as our manly hero stepped out of the shitty monster's den, the roadkill mutant pulled off some ninja shit phasing behind the cock-taunting wench and tore her up a new one. It goes without saying that Perseus completely lost it and went fucking apeshit on the hell fried burrito-powered abomination. After teabaggin' the turd-ish nightmare he went back to Argos to show the kraken he wasn't one to be taken lightly.

As he was getting back, some hippie shit-face was jolting everyone into getting Andromeda raped by a thousand ludicrously huge tentacles over and over again 'til reaching 20 mts in an eye-popping contest. Everyone were eagerly awaiting that show.

Once he finally got back, Hades the God of Undershit-log sent a swarm of rabid harpies to snatch 'dusa's head from the demigod's hands, probably under the effects of crack cocaine or PCP. In an un-epic chase scene, Perseus gets fucking sick of having such a lame ride on the winged vomit called "Pegasus" that he chooses to just dive head-first to recoup his hardly achieved weapon. After trashing some dudes on landing he puts an end to the 4 shit-ass minutes of action the monstrous kraken had. Damn, even a dog gets more action humping a stranger's leg than the kraken trying to eat a bitchy princess. He did wreak some havoc in Argos, but no one gave a crap about it.

Andromeda fells into the water and, of course, the half-mortal goes to rescue her. Afterwards, the beach scene and, no less epic than farting a jurassic kraken, Zeus has a nice father-to-son talk with Perseus after his child nutsacked Hades back to the dumpster where he belongs to. It went more or less like this:

Zeus: "My son, why don't you go back with me to Olympus. We have booze, dope and some fine-ass biotches. Whaddaya say?"

Perseus: "Take a hike, I dig mortal shit."

Zeus: "Being mortal is kinda faggy, you know?"

Perseus: "No it ain't, no."

Zeus: "FAAAGGY-FAGGY-FAGGY♪"

Perseus: "Dude, get a grip, what are you? Like a hundred years old? Be a grown up."

Zeus: "Ok, I see the way it is... If you're gonna stay in this shithole, I'll better hook you up ;)"

Next thing we know: BAM! The hot chick who got her spine blasted suddenly appears before Perseus, who looks up to the sky and we all know he's saying "You are the God now, dawg".



And that's pretty much about it. The script is quite raw, the overall acting is lame considering the actors (I mean, Lord 'The Hottest Assbuster In Town" Voldemort looked like he had rheuma or kidney failure); fights were quite hard to follow and so forth.

All in all, I'd recommend the movie if you want to enjoy a nice action flick, but do not expect great works of art like '300' or the like. You'll laugh more than you'll be tempted to leap out of your seat.